Then and now

 About a year ago my friend was in town and we met with other some other friends for lunch. I had not seen some of these ladies in a long time. Part of it was due to covid, but part of it was that I was ashamed of where I was with my weight and made every excuse not to see people. I was very comfortable staying home in my stretchy pants. I look pregnant in this picture and my issues had absolutely nothing to do with these awesome ladies and everything to do with myself. When you are not your best self you do not want to be around others that remind you of where you should be. I have allowed that to make me insecure and withdraw from many things.

I had to really face my insecurity demons at the gym where modesty has completely gone out the window. What's crazy is that I attend a pretty conservative gym but I have to say that some of the things these young ladies are wearing astound me. I know that I had issues with my body but really I would not let my daughters dress the way I am seeing these girls dress. Alright, back to my why in my weight loss journey. I decided that I was going to bring it to the gym, focus on my workouts, and not be concerned with anyone else but Craig. 

This was me about a month ago and I am 25 pounds less and counting. I have decided that I am going to continue on Keto/ Low Carb indefinitely. I am used to it now and feel great at age 49. I think I might even have abs for my 50th birthday in May. Now that I am on the other side of this weight loss journey I will say that I am glad I did it. I got inspired to intermittent fast in August and recommend that for women especially if you are premenopausal. I have had no more hot flashes or symptoms since I went on Keto. Fasting was hard but became easier with Keto. When I started my main focus was to cut out the carbs and sugar and eat 15 net carbs per day. Every morning I would have my water with electrolytes, coffee with Jordan's skinny syrup, and cream. I fast until 10:30 now but then I would fast until I was starving. If you are not exercising you really should be fasting longer, and eating fewer meals. I did and will when I go back to work. 

I am in the gym right after breakfast and try to burn 300 or more calories during my workouts. I can work out as long as I want for now so I am truly trying to make the best of my situation. I know that it won't last, but I will still work out when I go back to work. I will implement the fasted row and fast as long as I can and my lunch break will be working out. The other thing is that every meal I have is under 5 net carbs. In the beginning, I felt like a math magician trying to calculate net carbs so I made things very easy. I ate a lot of cream cheese, cheese, meat, olives, and chicharrones. As I got better at understanding this lifestyle I have been able to make more substitutes, especially in the sweets department. I had to understand the difference between all the sweeteners, and now that I am seeing "no sugar" products everywhere. Diet stuff existed but now I am seeing no sugar candy everywhere. If you have a sweet tooth Keto is for you. I didn't eat nearly as many sweets as I do now which is daily. I usually have a treat after dinner. My absolute favorites are the Russel Stover sugar-free caramel sweets variety and high-key products are amazing too. You really can convert anything into a low-carb, keto option, and the more you are in ketosis the more accustomed you become to the taste.

There are so many good products, and people putting out content everywhere because Keto and Low Carb work. If you don't believe me look at the pictures. The time difference between the two photos above is about 10 months apart. I was settling into the fact that I was just going to continue to get fatter as I got older. As I mentioned before I typically go against the grain and am a different thinker altogether. I knew that I could remain in the state I was insecure and isolated. I don't think that being isolated is as bad as I once did. In a lot of aspects, it helped me to see that I had a lot of unresolved issues even from my childhood that I had to work through. The truth is that the distance of certain people really gave me the opportunity to face my issues. I went from having so many friends to 2, one completely ghosted me,  but gained a friend that is more like gaining a brother.  To anyone in the past with if I did anything to hurt you I apologize and honestly do not have any bad feelings toward anyone. 

Losing this weight has been good but very painful. I am excited to drop the weight and reshape my body, but there really is something that I don't see out there and is part of my why. When you are insecure about yourself it is literally like a disease. At this time I know where it came from, started writing a book that I really think I am going to pick back up again. I believe through my own life experiences that not dealing with rejection is the root of insecurity. All of my rejection issues started coming to light when my position was eliminated with the company I had worked at for 12 years. The details are going to be in my book but I will share that all of it is painful on so many levels. I am grateful to my husband and youngest daughter who has really been there for me, and hope that all of this improves my relationships going forward.